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As a native of Mississippi I have recently returned to the richness of my home-grown culture. I find myself overwhelmed at times by the heritage and history I am surrounded by. The landscape, the scents, the passion, not to mention the compassion of the people who hang their hats here, seem to have been untainted by the enormity and the hardness of the outside world. When I take a drive down long and winding roads weaving the intricate pattern around my home, I am always amazed at the numerous old barns still standing so proudly erect. They mark old home places left behind by our elders seemingly untainted in our current fast paced and competitively expanding society. The property surrounding most has been passed down, along family lineages and is now adorned with brick and stucco homes, circular driveways and iron clad fencing. But not so long gone are the white or fallen original fencing of our ancestors. We, of the southern culture, continue to display our prideful heritage to completely adore our historical foundations. I spend plenty of time on a four wheeler or trod about on foot allowing my senses to pull me toward each beloved site where I listen for the faint whispers that seem to call me forth. I swear at times the ghosts of our past have much more to say than even my eye or my lens can capture. But this is what I do. With my camera always in tow, I am obnoxious at best, traveling this delicious state of ours. With my feet on the ground, my eyes wide open, listening for my next place of call I trudge forward hoping that my next stop will be as gratifying as the previous. 
Show Me Heaven
I followed you. Around the corners of houses, through sticks
pounded into the ground creating our wooden gates, between
rows of pecan trees and sunflower airstrips, across rivers
you've swam, into, the the tangle and bramble of your sacred
forest. The place where you cut your hair and
tore your gown.
Over stripped down dead brown leaves.
Between finger branches teething, scratching.
Beneath moss
a green blanket
hiding and hanging.
Up into the tree you crawled
into the cradling limbs where
you wept and dreamt,
then found yourself laying
at the top,
at the edge.
Waiting.
It's okay now, forgiving first of yourself
for now forgiving them. Now they will
know
that I leaned down and over you
wisped the curls
of your hair.
...........and then,
followed through.
Wake up now, the sun is risen.
Pounding through the curtains...........
that once felt harsh to your eyes.
© February 6, 2007 Suzanne Crenshaw
[Table of Contents] Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die: 1. Go to South Africa and meet Anthea. 2. Have a "Strobe Light" installed in my bathroom. 3. See my grandchildren born. 4. Get back in shape...tone these muscles! 5. Live next door to my brother and his family. 6. Forgive myself. 7. Become a part of something I truly believe in. Seven Things I Can Do: 1. Smile 2. Be a great mommy. 3. Whip out fantastic hair color. 4. Open and close a gate. 5. Help others feel comfortable and important. 6. Snap an interesting photograph. 7. Jump out of an airplane....with glee. Seven Things I Can't Do: 1. Scuba Dive. 2. Cure myself. 3. Snow-ski. 4. Seem to understand Richard. 5. Have blonde hair. 6. Hate (anyone or anything). 7. Fake an orgasm. Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person: 1. Nice smile. 2. Sense of humor. 3. Ability to be "themselves" (No matter what) 4. Mysterious eyes. 6. Tender heart. 7. Thoughtful usage of unspoken talents. Seven Things I say Most Often: 1. "Come See..." 2. "I Love You..." 3. "What did you say...?" 4. "In a minute...." 5. "That's funny..." 6. "Fuck you...(under my breath)" 7. "Take a number...(and please be seated)" [Table of Contents] THE FALL~ Oh, the memories of summer Mine, held fast. The sweet smell of coconut, still lingers in the air. The sweat, the steam. Our hearts opened, words pouring from our mouths. Conversation, at last! Ever so fading, the color is now draining. Life and death, dance together. My heart feels cold. Something was left, undone. My mind, my soul. What's left I shall unfold. Would you like to take a peek? Do you really care to see? What is left of what you made of me. If so, Be still, Be quiet. Hide patiently from me. I am running now. I pass you by. Chillingly, I catch a glimpse of you from the corner of my eye. Run after me. Catch me. Pull me to the ground. I'd let you. Reach for your knife, we know the one. Grasp it gently with your strong hands. Hold me down.......harder! Then carve at me softly, as you please. Take a close look. What is it that you see? Tell me.... How do I differ from the furry ones? The slimy ones? The feathered ones? Does my blood not flow the same? It's color...not dark enough for your taste? Or was it the kill? Below or demeaning your level of skill? Too easy? Or was it not "FUN" enough for you? Hey, I know that my ears are uneven. That my skin is not flawless. Or was it simply what you saw when you opened me? Tell me...something....try to explain! Why am I not hanging with your other trophies against your walls? Was I.... Too old? Too dull? Asshole, I loved you. I was merely a woman who wanted so much to feel. Something. Anything. I no longer "long" for that....still. I wish you not, Because I forgot The feeling you gave....the depths of numb. I hear that you are a "Bottom Feeder" now. It sucked you down. I pray more for you still. But back to then.... Reach for your knife, Yeah, duh! The same one..... Now grasp it tightly with your anger, Show me your tears. Carve at me again, and again. Please.... Do not look away from me. I need to see you, all of you. I'm swimming in the depths of your icy blue eyes. I hunger for the sound of your laughter. Laugh for me one more time. At me. At anything. Contagiously, it soothes me. Watch me then, as my eyes slowly shut. Bordered with red, yet you barely cut! Kiss my eyelids. Then pull away as you ponder my slight smile. I need to feel, once more, the warmth of my tears. As they fall, intermingling with yours, Recreating the depths of my soul. That's where LiQuiD was born. Needing to see. Needing to feel The warmth of my blood ooze, Then pour, Over my now cold flesh. LiQuiD....loving you, still. You have carved me so beautifully. Oh my, With such skill. I feel pretty now. Peaceful. Fuck you. Fuck me. Where the world can now see. On my deathbed. I contemplate The power of blue. The poison I've swallowed. The intensity of the moment. The fruit Is painfully beautiful. I simply could not resist. Now, I am ready for sleep. Please wake me when the clouds turn pink. Hopefully, Then I will be healed. Inside and out By the person I was supposed to be. If I do not find sleep, Nail my knees to the floor. Make me look into the sky. Please help me see What my mortal soul Could not understand. And then, Please again, Clean my wounds. Hug me. Even if I resist you. And I will. Give me permission To let the tears fall from my eyes. Allow me to be humble And to feel vulnerable. Then, Drift with me to the moon. Sit with me on it's edge As our legs dangle over it ledge. Let's together chase the shooting stars In the middle of the night and just before morn'. Catch them. Release them. As they too Begin to weep. Your balance adrift has become My favorite drug. I'm dizzy swept in your evasive love. Find me a rainbow. Show me what's really there. At it's beginning. At it's end. Take me out To play in the rain. Help me to appreciate the sunlight. Please, prevent me from crawling back into my shadowy "self". Richard, Again, take me for a walk. Deep within our woods. Pick me a wildflower. Place it behind my ear. And then when I yawn sleepily, Sing me a lullaby. I love the way you mourn. Sweetly. Rest here. Beside me. Embrace the moments we call peace. Sleep. Softly....Cause I need you to wake me When the clouds turn pink. Numb. Cry. Numb. Scream. Numb. Why? Mean. I bury my face in my favorite pillow. Dark. Cry. Why? Alone. Over and over and over and over. Numb. Scream. Numb. Mean. Fuck you, Whatever! I tried to walk. It wasn't fast enough for you. I tried to run. But running was not allowed. "You might fall and hurt yourself..." I tried to talk. "Shhhhhhhh!" "Children are meant to be seen, not heard!" Quiet now. Smile. I tried to grow. But I was too young.. As I grew, I was told I needed to grow up. So, I grew and I grew. Yet, it was too fast for you. I forgot to play. I forgot to feel. I forgot how to cry. No need to be healed. I simply forgot to create a "Me". I ran too fast. I know nothing 'bout rest. Stop. Breathe. OK... Start over again. Running now. Faster still. I fell......in love. You were right. It hurt. I went back to the beginning. I wanted to walk. I tried to talk. But dear GOD, the piercing pain! I found numb. I chose numb. You said; "You're strong!" "Pick up your pieces and move on!" Smile. No one will notice the tears, Nor ask of my pains. Remember. Numb. I caught a glimpse of my hands in a mirror once. I watched as blood dripped Then streamed from my grip. T'was then that I realized I was holding my heart. I clutched it tight In my scruffy hands. It appeared to me that I was protecting it From the damage That'd already been done. But, You're strong. Keep moving on. Fast. Fast. Faster! Remember.... The numb. I cannot breathe. The color of crimson now covers me. From what's left of my head to what once were my toes. I gasp.... As blood now fills my throat. My eyes Search frantically.... For my Mommy, "I need my Daddy" My eyes are now consumed. Who's there? I can't see. I can't feel. Oh yeah, numb. Ahhhh, But I can still hear you! I sigh, Relieved. Enough! Your voice never left me! Please STOP talking ABOUT me! Touch me. Try. Would you please listen to me? I've now learned to walk. My head up high. I no longer care to run. Don't ask me why. I need to talk. Yet when I do, the same still "Balk". My growth... Well, Still stunned. I cannot go on like this. I need to rest. I need to feel safe. Please don't ask me to be a big girl now, I am still Simply, A broken child Who knows not "How". I am my worst enemy, Yet my only companion. I lie here in endless disconsolation. Waiting for you to save me. Your perfect face blinds me. Your beauty is too bright for my eyes. It hurts me To look at you. But I can't seem To turn my head Away from you. I called you over to me. Yet, I have nothing to say. Choke me. Take me, My life Into your hands. And when I depart from this earth I will haunt you With memories of our past. Hey, I once knew a little girl Who liked to play with fire. I remind me of her. So, What's left for me to do here? Except be pretty And play with your balls. Goodbye now You cruel psycho That dares to stare back at me In the haze of my mirror. I am ready to go now. I've been dead inside for days now. Hell, Think I'll just go get a "Fish Box" instead! In this heart of mine There lives a tiny little voice. It is soft And it sounds distant. The thickness of the walls That surround my heart Will not let The whimpery whispers Of the little voice Escape. My mind Even, Wishes the little voice away. Surrounding my mind Are the walls of a pink velvet Barbed wire box. It is within this box That my mortal soul Does time. Imprisoned. My heart With all its jagged pieces Finds the strength to protect The precious pure sound. Fear Of the acknowledgement of the tiny sound It might retreat, never return. Fear In my heart Of abandonment. Again. Oh, To be left with nothing But despair and pain. Please stay with me. Here, Safely, Inside of me. I will continue to protect you As I have done for so long. Mind Body And soul. Shhhhhhh. Quiet now. Others are listening. Shhhhh. Shhhhh. Shhhhh. A tear falls from a closed eye. So little, Your hands. So little, Your clothes. How big You've had to be. All Because of me. Some say, "Such little time we must be apart." So much Life left to live. Choose it. Cherish it. I pray, We live. BIG... Is the way I'll love you Forever, then still. I promise you both, Never again Will we part For the big Little time Ever that way Again. I love you both So Much... With such little time. ~Mommy A beautiful day. Filled with sweet thoughts. Tender moments, I spend alone. Sisterhood. Faith. The precious gift of life Eases deep into my chest. I need nothing. I feel everything. Days such as this I thank you GOD. The voices that live in my head Are in agreement. Therefore, Quiet. The sound of my blood pumps rhythmatically Through my veins. My wonderful ballet undaunted by choreographed delay. I am full. Of me. Because of you. Gasp! Without cautious planning I just breathed! [Table of Contents] TILL DEATH DO US PART~ Why do you watch As my tears slowly fall? Why do you care If their there at all? Who really cares What I feel? Love me. Drug me. With just one more pill. So you think you know What stirs in my head? What if I told you That I wished you were dead? In my mind By a dim blue light I slit your throat You were too drunk to fight. Your blood was so red Yet my hands were both clean. At that time My mind and my soul Held nothing between. I eased to the floor For what seemed like hours. Ten minutes passed Then a knock on our door. Crazy, I was sure you'd sent flowers. I tried to rise But could not stand. Opened my eyes Then realized.... I'd been in a sweet dream land. Faintly, I hear the music Through the thickness Of air. The voices in my head are screaming Fighting With each other. I try And I try To simply Not care. I stand alone Surrounded by trees. A perfect moment To get down on my knees. I pray towards a light That is filtered through green. 'Tis you that I trust Although never SEEN. Please GOD Please help them be quiet. Instruct them of your mercy As I softly weep. |
