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~~Liquid Plastic SALUTES Liquid Illuzion~~"When someone I loved committed suicide, there was stillness -- no words could explain. When love dies, there is no answer to the question, why --- but something inside me did die." When I first heard about Suzanne’s death, I was blown away. It hadn’t been too long since I had talked with her. I knew she was in a critical state of being, but I thought, like always she would bounce out of it. Once it settled in that she had committed suicide on Christmas Eve of all days, I got pissed of at her. I was blinded by pain and anger. She had worn too many masks. Since I had taken off my mask with her, I thought about putting my mask back on. But the pain wouldn’t go way. She had sent me an email that fateful day, that said; call me 10:55 a.m. please. By the time I got to the phone, which was late that evening, she was gone, and my guilt of not reaching her overwhelmed me. Finally I talked to another friend of Suzanne, Chelle, who helped me understand the anger I was feeling. After that, I got me some professional help. It wasn't until much later, I realized that Suzanne had left me a code, as we loved codes, and when I broke it I realized 10:55 was her way of saying goodbye. After awhile my anger subsided, and I begin to properly mourn my beloved friend. I remember the first day Liquid Illuzion a.k.a. Jeri Suzanne Horne came into my life. She was like a breath of fresh air, spewing her love and support everywhere. I was in awe of her talent and her friendship. We were both fellow Mississippians, who loved our native home, and were very protective of it. Now I am able to say au revoir to my beloved friend, and honor her memory by working to set up a living memorial for her. I will miss her, but her spirit will live on. Her passing is very mystifying, as she touched so many with her love, sense of humor, and the way she could lift your spirits. She had a massive following on the internet, and if you think it's not real, just check out her blog. I will not glorify her suicide, nor will I judge my beloved friend for what she did. There have been more than one time when I have been in that same place. Was it fate that took her away and kept me here, I don’t know? She was young and I am old, seemed to me, I would be leaving first. If you desire to talk openly and honestly about suicide, click on this link and it will bring you to a place where you can be comfortable with your feelings, no matter what they are. I do this not only for my self, but to make sense of the action of my beloved friend in leaving her children on such a day, in such a way. yes, sharing here i am … lying down inside your heart … unafraid and you allowed me to be comfortable in this space beloved one always knowing my place thankful for the day … you slipped into my soul and i see you looking at me and i wonder, yes i dare to think it was your heart that drank my tears walked me through my fears and brought me into life the land of the living asking for nothing you get everything and this old soul sings with joy abound because … the child in her has at long last been found and it is you that knows it’s takes a healer to make her whole long i for a healer such as you where truth is the blanket that binds us … and love is the cover that keeps us warm you are who i see in the mirrors and i believe we be sisters yea, much greater we be friends .. let not fear of time waste space within your mind .. time was created for humanity it can be controlled a moment is eternity © October 11, 2007 Amias she IS Suzanne is wild like the wind easy to make friends lives to love and love to live her beauty is eternal a strong woman with a tender heart her talent knows no boundaries … Suzanne … loves unconditionally her love comes from within thus allowing the power that be to guide her steps to set her spirit free … Suzanne forgives her enemies love those who caused her pain she speaks her mind standing up for herself there is no shame for indeed life is the only game worth playing … judge not this angel who entertains us with wonders to behold she opens her soul and God knows the goodness of her heart whether she be enthralled in playful movements or spinning like a tornado change is what makes life worth exploring … blessed be us whom she calls her friends her loyalty knows no end … neither does mines to her … Suzanne hurry back beloved one your presence is like the sun … can’t live without it! © 6/27/2008 Amias Much, I Wonder Liquid Illuzion painted blue Magic in an alligator's tooth A pearl from an open grave Precious the gifts she gave A child's life encased in threes Sleeping beneath pecan trees Open wombs April showers The magic of dogwood flowers Precious are the gifts she gave A pearl from an open grave Magic in an alligator's tooth Liquid Illuzion painted blue © March 31, 2006 Amias
i thought about you as a little girl filled with love and the joys of what would be and i saw you wiggling your toes in the water playing on a white sandy beach i saw the beauty of liquid blue and all the joys that life had and will bring to you and my tears dried and i smiled at the knowing that love is always in the showing i saw you as an old wise woman still filled with life sharing memories laced with strife and i felt you weaving the thought within my mind that life is not governed by time it’s created by positive thoughts of our desire and only we can put out the fire and my tears dried and i smiled at the showing that long life is in the knowing © February 22 2007 Amias
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i
caught these thoughts in the midst of thinking ---- past the
disappointments, after the pain; past the darkness, after the shame;
you didn’t give up you just gave in, you didn’t lose, but you didn’t
win. behind the mask, sights unseen, lived the heart of a true
beauty queen. knowing it’s the outer mask that sells, and flesh is
auction hung on a nail. raped for what the body is; every beauty
queen lives with this fear; without makeup, without the fake smile,
outer beauty takes a nose dive. ---- when the memory of your flesh
is long gone, and others have forgotten your song, when all is quiet
and i am alone, i shall remember you, and forever love dem bones.